Once you master shadows individually, you have to master them in combinations as well.

For instance your lover might be angry, manipulative, resentful, sad and betraying you all at the same time.

You need to respond to a shadow combination.

That obviously requires a higher level of shadow mastery.


Here are some examples.

I will consciously go in detail to give you an idea of the depth and diversity of the shadows you express or be exposed to.

You date a woman, are in a relationship or married and she expresses sone of the following shadows:
  • She spies on you, goes into your email account, facebook private messages and totally invades your privacy.
  • She gossips about you.
  • Her friends check you out and report to her.
  • She talks to your friends behind your back and conspires to manipulate or hurt you.
  • She steals your ideas or creations and makes people believe that they are hers.
  • She is emotionally unpredictable - She shifts from extremely happy to extremely sad with simple innocent triggers.
  • She creates drama and conflict out of nothing.
  • She is emotionally intense all the time and never relaxes.
  • She is unhappy and finds ways of blaming you for that.
  • She builds up stories and assumes they are true.
  • She is explosive and communicates in very emotional untamed ways.
  • She is packed with baggage and traumas from her past love life.
  • She is demanding and requires full unlimited attention when she's around.
  • She shuts down sexually to you to punish you or just because she feels like it.
  • She disqualifies and sabotages what you have.
  • She says she wants intimacy, sex and connection but doesn't provide emotional safety.
  • She asphyxiates your space by cutting you from the things you need and love.
  • She attacks your friends and is rude to them.
  • She feels challenged by any woman who approaches you.
  • She is extremely sexual with other men in front of you to trigger you and make you jealous.
  • She misleads you by telling you she wants something when in fact she is manifesting the exact opposite.
  • Her words, intentions and promises don't match her actions.
  • She wants to be number one in your life but doesn't give you that position in her life.
  • She lies to you about her sex life and her lovers.
  • She is manipulating you and plays games by getting you trapped in situations that work against you and hurt you.
  • She attacks your core qualities to weaken the sexual attraction you create in other women towards you.
  • She negates your core qualities, skills and life experience to make you weaker.
  • If you don't do what she wants or contradict her, she makes vindictive choices to hurt you. 
  • She does everything she can to open you up and then attacks you.
  • She asks you to share your feelings and freaks out or totally disconnects when you do.
  • She argues and systematically talks over you.
  • She is often ungrateful for the gifts she receives. She might reject them and sabotage her ability to receive them in the future.
  • She betrays you and then wonders why you don't trust her.
  • She unconsciously sabotages many precious sacred moments by expressing untamed emotions
  • She is highly insecure about her body
  • She feels threatened by other women's beauty and sexiness.
  • She enters in competitive games with them.
  • She plays nasty tricks on you, knows she was hurtful but never apologizes or apologizes months later.
  • She uses her weapons and manipulation on you but instantly reacts and attacks you when you or anyone else uses the same tactics on her.
  • Rather than taking responsibility for her own shadows, she blames you and criticizes you incessantly for what doesn't work in your connection.
  • She is totally unfair when judging a story, her behavior or your behavior.
  • She gives a totally distorted picture of reality to her friends to appear as the victim and good girl to them.
  • She has double standards which means being ok with her doing some things and freaking out when you mirror the same behavior.
  • She gives up on dialogue or the relationship as soon as she is faced with a disturbing truth or disturbing emotions.
  • She avoids telling the truth by playing being offended when asked simple questions.
  • She stays in the upset or offended zone to trigger guilt in you.
  • She says she is sorry and does it all over again without changing her behavior.
  • She goes in sudden physically and emotionally abusive explosive behaviors.
  • She consciously ignores you in front of her friends to make them believe she is on top.
  • When she has a new lover and just wants to take a break out of the relationship, she finds a detail, triggers a fight or makes up a story to get out.
  • She laughs at her own flaws and shadow experiments but is totally unforgiving when you make a small mistake or play with your own shadows.
  • She says she wants to be committed to be together but gives up and leaves as soon as a challenge hits her.
  • She isolates you from other potential lovers and friends and then cuts you off or deprives you from love and sex.
  • If you face a conflict, she will be cruel and do anything she can to hurt you.
  • She submits you to pressure, demands, threatens you and gives you ultimatums.
  • She is constantly seeking attention from you and everyone else. She has this deep urge to always be the center of attention.
  • She tries to emotionally asphyxiate you by bombarding you with her hatred.
  • She starts on a project with you and then almost instantly poisons it and sabotages its chances of success.
  • She gets really loud and curses a lot but gets offended the moment you raise your voice.
  • She goes and has sex with other men and uses that energy to attack you or exclude you.
  • She is evasive, doesn't give you clear answers, doesn't reply to your questions or your messages.
  • She sends you message questions but abandons or ignores your chat as soon as you respond or asks her follow up questions.
  • She is self defeating for your couple, destroys or breaks up one moment and wants to be together for life the next.
  • She goes through emotional extremes and provides little emotional continuity or energetic stability.
  • She abandons virtual chats, disconnects, doesn't invest energy in them, doesn't reply to your questions or ignores your messages but reacts strongly if you don't reply to her messages within the hour.
  • She is cryptic and mysterious in the way she communicates, doesn't state her intentions, isn't clear or doesn't reply to your questions. She plays communication games.
  • She avoids or ignores your deep question and stays in chit chat mode instead.
  • She interprets what you say, misrepresents it, modifies it, gives it her own spin, exaggerated it. She eventually tells you that you said certain things that in fact you never said.
  • She puts you down by saying things like "You are bad for me", "You are not worth it, "I don't want to be your lover", "Being with you is a big mistake", etc.
  • She attacks you ruthlessly when you do or say something she disagrees with but doesn't thank you much when you get it right.
  • She complaints and blames you endlessly.
  • She expresses intense emotional threats and puts you under strong pressure to get you to do what she wants. 
This is a long list example!

I don't think anyone on this planet has them all but you might recognize a few either in you or in others.

Which ones do you recognize?

As a woman?

As a man?

There might be more!

Or there might be less!

You might recognize some of these in you or in your lover.


It does strike me that once you are looking at them, the diversity of shadow tactics is stunning!

Just labeling someone with an easy word like "disrespectful" or "unclear" doesn't do it anymore.

Shadows are way deeper and refined than that as you can see!

A blanket term is way too general.

It is like suddenly discovering the vast diversity of green shades in a tropical forest.

Shadows really have their own beauty when you start looking at them from that angle.

When you understand them, you befriend them, you can play with them or receive them with grace.

You realize as well how seductive shadows can be.

They give an edge to those who express them and that often makes them attractive to others.

Sexual seduction is often anchored in shadow play.

You will trigger mystery, emotional threat or dominance to get someone aroused.

If a woman doesn't own any shadows and is just pure, she might appear flat or naive.

I am not glorifying shadows or lights now, I am simply pointing out some essential human dynamics that create power and attraction.


An essential aspect of these examples is that many of these shadows are impermanent.

This means that one given shadow might be expressed once in 6 months and then totally disappear for years before reemerging again a couple times.

These shadows can as well have various intensity degrees.

A shadow might be very present in a relationship for a week and totally destroy a couple or be just a passing wave which is quickly caught.

Even with a detailed multiple shadow list like this one you can have a great relationship with someone who expresses many of these aspects.


The shadows examples I describe are as well very specific.

You see that I don't use a general label like "she is a lyier" or "she is nasty".

Instead I give specific examples with situations where the shadow appears.

Why is that?

Because tackling or understanding a shadow and reducing it to its real size makes it way more manageable.

Over generalizing things is one of the core cognitive distortions.

This means that you create a general statement that isn't true out of something that is actually limited.

Being specific allows you as we'll to design tactics to best respond to these shadows.

For instance if you know that someone is triggered when you are in public places, you take precautions when that happens.

If you know that someone argues a lot when they are on the phone, you use text messages instead.


Another essential aspect of writing a list like this one for your own situations is that it allows you to understand triggers way better.

You might notice that someone triggers you and you don't know why.

That's disturbing, right?

You always wonder what it is that makes you react without being able to point it out.

As soon as you write it down, everything becomes way clearer and you are able to identify the exact pattern that triggers or hurts you.

Next time you are exposed to one of them, you might say to yourself: "Hey! I know that one!"

Once you clearly identify a shadow pattern, it gives you the first step to design the exact best response to tackle it.

How could you possibly design a solution if you don't know what the challenge is.

If you are the one expressing a specific shadow, you might wake up and say to yourself: "Hang on a sec, I am being reactive without reason, let's shift that and relax instead"


As you write down a list of shadows like this one, you might notice something else!

These shadows become cute and human! You discover the humanness of the person who expresses them!

Loving someone just for their lights is easy!

But truly embracing a person for the full dimension of what they are, that's a way higher skill and form of love.

These shadows are examples given by clients, friends and some from personal experience.

What surprises me is that as soon as I read them again, they bring a smile to my face.

These are the qualities that make us human!

And here it comes: "There is beauty in every shadow"

Can you see where we are going now?


Right now I wrote these examples targeted to women but of course the same type of shadows apply to men as well, so don't get offended if you are a woman, ok?

Simply shift the "she" to "he".

This is not an attack on women!

And it is not an attempt to defend men either!

Both genders have equally strong shadows!

Are specific shadows gender specific?

Are women or men more prone to specific shadows?

That's a questions I will check soon!


You might ask yourself:

"Why do we expose ourselves to this?"

"Why do we create them?"


Let's say it is human nature.

Right now, I checked some possible sets of lover shadows and I can make a similar list about lover lights.

It is not just black or white!

Everyone has both aspects.

Here are lights examples:
  • A smile from her makes your day.
  • Sex is deep, intense, delicious, fiery, explosive, wild and passionate.
  • You learn a lot when you are with her.
  • Your connection is high energy.
  • She loves you and cares for you.
  • She validates you and acknowledges your power and skills.
  • She likes the way you treat her.
  • The spirit connects you really well.
  • You have common goals and similar life intentions.
  • Your destinies match in many ways.
  • Your sexual desires and sexual energies are a perfect match.
  • She is fun to be around.
  • She is connected with sources of energy that open you up.
  • You respect and love her.
  • You engage in intense energetic battles and go through fire together.
  • Her innocence and desire to learn touches you.
  • She wants you in her life.
  • She opens you up in many ways.
  • She is a shadow trainer to you.
  • She reveals human dynamics that you didn't see before.
  • She is a mirror.
  • She is powerful.
  • She manifests things.
  • She is high energy.
  • You have huge potential together.
  • She is forgiving and knows how to let go.
  • She can communicate in deep and sincere ways.
  • She often shares her vulnerabilities.
  • She is aware of her shadows.
  • She wants to expand, explore and evolve.
  • She has high ambitions.
  • She is grounded and realistic.
  • She is professionally and financially successful.
  • She is in integrity with financial agreements and understands the art of giving and receiving
  • She is connected with a strong, supportive, powerful network.
  • She cares for people, the planet and humankind.
  • Her body is high energy.
  • She knows how to take care of her body and nurtures herself.
  • She eats well and healthy.
  • She has a personal spiritual practice.
  • She is very free, open and adventurous.
  • She asks for what she wants and often gets it.
  • She has high impact on those who know her.
  • She knows how to be leader and inspire others.
  • She respects sacredness and is deeply connected spiritually.
See what happens?

The list of shadows and list of lights match!

Depending on what you focus on, you can look at the shadows or you can look at the lights.

In couples with lots of shadows and lots of lights, there is often lots of juice and energy!

There is substance and friction to work with.

Some shadows can become lights and some lights can become shadows.

For instance if I say that she is a explosive, that can be both light and shadow.

The emotional intensity can be something you crave for or something you resent.

A light like "She is safe and secure" can be boring in a long term relationship.

If she doesn't take risks and is non adventurous, you might get stacked.

So, safety might be a shadow.

All the shadows I mention in the first list can be seen as challenges and lights!

This means that you can perceive them as good things because they force you to improve and evolve!

So, light or shadow is a perspective you can choose.

Eventually they become just non dual qualities.

Right now, I feel that the distinction light/shadow is useful because that's the way they are often reflected in you or in society.

Spying will be a shadow for 95% of people.

A small fraction of people might be able to enjoy that specific challenge and not resent it.

In the examples I give you in this article, you see that light and shadows are really like the yin and yang Taoist symbol.

There is an access to light in every shadow and an access to shadow in every light.

Sometimes, the shadows are not that obvious and not that explosive.

They might appear in the form of boredom, predictability or energy gap.


An interesting game to play is to make a list of your own lights and shadows.

If you are in a relationship and are ready for VITAL TRUTH, that's a game that you can play too.


With the shadow cocktail like what I describe earlier, you might be able to master some of these aspects and be more challenged by others.

For instance you might not care about your girlfriend gossiping about you, or having some emotional explosion or attacking you or even cheating on you.

But you might be totally disarmed when you see her sad and depressed.

You might be ok with her lying to you or abusing your friends but freak out when she disconnects in a moment of weakness.

It takes some deep skills and understanding to master a shadow cocktail.

Calling it a cocktail somehow makes it fun and juicy!

I like that!

You might get it almost right one day and then fail miserably because she hits you with another shadow that you didn't see coming.


What's fascinating as well is that you might get used to some shadows that triggered you in the beginning.

For instance you might be used to her lies or denial and find them almost cute.

You might hear her say that her ex wanted to see her when you know it's her who is seeking him.

Or she might tell you they shared a couple kisses when in fact they had sex.


Changing or educating someone can be really tough because shadows might keep on coming in other forms.

If she's always been the shadow type, shadow energies have become her landscape and it is hard for her to shift that.

You might tackle one pattern.

For instance if she tends to lie a lot, she might stop lying to you.

But then another pattern might emerge which is way worse than the first one.

She might shift from just telling soft lies to entering in highly manipulative tactics.

Why is that?

Because shadows are first formless energies!

The patterns you see appearing are the reflection of the energy behind them.

The visible expressions of these shadows are only the visible tip of a much vaster reality.

If you tackle the pattern you tackle the symptom not the deep cause.

If you really want to tackle shadow roots, you must go deeper and focus on energies, values, deep intentions rather than surface actions and surface patterns.

Shifting deep values means activating intentions like:

"I decide to be at peace and harmony with any lover I have from now on"

"I am committed to evolve and change what no longer works"

"I open myself to be transparent and true"

"I am committed to clear communication"


That's it for now!

Guess what?

I feel we are just getting started!

There is way more!


About Shiva Rajaya

You are the master of your life! Your destiny is in your hands! You have the power to create! Want my help with unleashing your full manifesting power and optimizing your life? I will help you tune into your highest frequency and give you tools to access your untapped potentials - Start here START HERE! GET YOUR POWER KICK SKYPE COACHING SESSION WITH ME!